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Tuesday, May 31, 2011 @ 7:41 AM
♥ REVIEW - A Good Rumor
Title – A Good Rumor (Chapter 1-24)
Author – Elynor, Meghan & Hannah
Reviewer – sadnitez
Story Link – http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/agoodrumor22/
Title – 3.5/5
While this title does catch my attention, what rumor was the whole fan fiction targeting at? Perhaps you can provide a stronger relevance between the title and the story plot. In fact, as I read on, I felt that “A Good Scandal” would fit better to the content. And I felt that scandal will be a stronger word to catch the eyes of readers ;)
Graphics/Poster – 3/5
I do like this kind of rusty, paper-ish touch to your poster. But it still seems a bit plain to me with the blank corners at the sides. The poster didn’t portray the story’s image well either. I would have like the poster better if it had pictures of other characters in it – Donghae, SeoHyun, Kyunhun etc. since they have appeared in almost every chapters you have wrote so far.
This is important because a poster can allow me to tell at first glance, which characters will be in the story and whether this fan fiction will be a sweet/happy or a dark/angst type of story.
Foreword – 4.5/10
I won’t mind writers if they do self-introductions in their forewords. What I do mind is when the foreword is written in such a way that the whole story plot is laid out in plain sight. A foreword is usually written to get someone excited about the story before they read it and shouldn’t be written in a way that spoils the entire story content.
So instead of going…..
“Anyway my story is about how Yuri, and her boyfriend Donghae. Yuri breaks up with him because she thinks he has something going on with her best friend Seohyun who also broke up with her boyfriend Kyuhyun. One day Donghae is trying to get Yuri to take him back and starts hurting her, once Yuri fears that she won't be able to get away from her exboyfriends grip, a sudden rescue from an unexpected guy comes to her aid and even after that, Yuri wanted no part to become a part of his life, but she has to face the fact, that they, have become a good little rumor.”
You can try to make it more exciting and mysterious to the readers by writing…
“A simple misunderstanding can break up even the most Perfect Couple ever – Kwon Yuri and Lee Dongahe.
Things aren’t back to the way they were; even if Donghae is willing to do anything to get the old days back. Yuri only wants to escape, and get back to her normal life. But things were only made worse when she was saved by an unexpected savior – Kim Jaejoong, the hottest Korean idol of DBSK.
Before anyone knows it, a good rumor has begun….”
I’m not trying to force anything on you (in fact my foreword isn’t 100% grammatically correct), just trying to show an example where words can be played to make a foreword more interesting without revealing too much of everything. I really hope you can re-write the foreword again (>.<)
Originality – 5/10
I can’t really find any originality in this plot. I can’t recall how many times I’ve read heroine who moved into an idol’s home and fall in love with a certain handsome idol. Nothing has really caught me off caught so far either….. (>.>)
Flow – 9/15
You have to try to pace your story with unbelievable plot. It is a little incredulous that Donghae-Yuri and Seohyun-Kyunhyun can be lovely-dovely in one moment, break up in another moment and try to get back to each other by next day. And before I knew it, Yuri was forced to live in an idol’s dorm, with FIVE GUYS and have Seo-Hyun moved in by tell next day as well. Which parent in their right mind would allow this?! (someone please tell me) (-_-)
In all, the whole plot and pacing went too fast for me to accept. It’s just….unbelievable, even for a teenager’s written fantasy. *cough*
Plot/Characterization – 11/20
The plot has been rather unbelievable so far. I do see where you’re going at with all these created idol fantasies. But the sequences of events just make me went “Whhhaaattt???” There are certain points which I found the story to be rather sweet. But with the way that characters were behaving, it swept those sweet feelings away almost immediately.
I do see the efforts you’re trying to make to portray characters (e.g.: Yuri, Seo-Hyun, KyunHyun, Jaejoong) as sweet girls/guys. But I do wish you had added more depth to them. I could hardly take Yuri or Seo-Hyun seriously with the way they initiate break-ups over Tiffany’s silly accusations or the way they seemed to be falling in love with people so quickly after their break-ups. I know that the ones they are attracted to are idols, but they really do seem like they are jumping into relationships like there’s no tomorrow. The rest of the characters seemed really kiddy in the story, with all their random talking/laughing/actions. This seemed a bit off from their 18-24 years old images I had in my mind. Maybe you can rephrase some of the characters’ lines/actions and make them appear more mature in this story.
Writing style – 11/20
At first glance, I could only see clustering of words and sentences. Reading this fan fiction was definitely not easy on my eyes. I had to use Microsoft Word to re align sentences so that I could read the fan fiction at ease. The clustering of conversations in single lines also made it difficult for me to gauge which characters said which sentences. This added to the confusion and I wasn’t able to understand the story as clearly as I desired.
E.g.:
Yuri POV- “YAHH WAKE UP!” I tossed and turned pretending not to here my brother’s constant screaming.“YURI! I said wake up!” He said shaking me awake. “ALRIGHT I’M AWAKE!” I yelled back. Geez he’s so annoying I thought. I got up and pushed him out the door so I could start getting ready.After I picked out my outfit I went to take a nice long hot bath. Once I got out I smelt something AMAZING coming from the kitchen so I hurried myself and went downstairs for my breakfast.“Morning Yuri!” My mother greeted once she say me. “Morning!” I greeted back. “Did you sleep well?” “I did, until he practically started screaming in my ear.” I said glaring at Gi Kwang who just smirked back at me. “Oh, well we’ll talk about how to wake up your sister correctly later young man,” she said looking over at him, “For now just have your breakfast for now I have to get to work. Bye saranghae you two, try not to get in a fight!” My mom yelled out before leaving.
Try to add more spaces between lines and create more paragraphs. It will be easier on the readers’ eyes and allow them to read and understand the story better. Try experimenting with italized/bolding effects to differentiate words.
Here’s an example…
E.g.:
[YURI’s POV]
“YAHH WAKE UP!” I tossed and turned pretending not to hear my brother’s constant screaming.“YURI! I said wake up!” He said shaking me awake.
“ALRIGHT I’M AWAKE!” I yelled back.
Geez he’s so annoying. I thought.
I got up and pushed him out the door so I could start getting ready.After I picked out my outfit I went to take a nice long hot bath. Once I got out I smelt something AMAZING coming from the kitchen so I hurried myself and went downstairs for my breakfast.
“Morning Yuri!” My mother greeted once she say me.
“Morning!” I greeted back.
“Did you sleep well?”
“I did, until he practically started screaming in my ear.” I said glaring at Gi Kwang who just smirked back at me.
“Oh, well we’ll talk about how to wake up your sister correctly later young man,” She said looking over at him, “For now just have your breakfast for now I have to get to work. Bye! Saranghae you two, try not to get in a fight!” My mom yelled out before leaving.
That being said, I have to mention that there are quite a lot of awkward sentences, spelling errors and grammatical errors in this fan fiction. So there were quite a few sentences that simply left me feeling confused.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 5/10
As mentioned above, there are a lot of grammatical errors and awkward sentences. In fact at some points, I was too confused with your sentences to understand what you’re trying to get at. One suggestion would be to get someone to proof-read your chapter before you post it up
I’ll just use Chapter 5 as an example to highlight your mistakes so that you can roughly know the problematic areas. The edited parts will be highlighted in red. As you can see, most of your mistakes laid in wrong usage of commas and full stops. Do take note of them! ^^b
E.g.:
[YURI’s POV]
After class , I saw Donghae and Tiffany again. I walked past them ; I’m over with them now.
Then , I bumped into Seohyun-ah and Kyuhyun-shii.
“Oh! Mianhae!!”
“Yuri-ah!!!” Seohyun yelled , hugging me. Soon enough, Kyuhyun-shii joined in too.
When we broke apart , someone came up and slapped me.
Seohyun jumped to my aid. “YAH! What was that for?” She yelled at the girl.
“Stay away from Jaejoong-oppa!” The girl yelled at me , ignoring Seohyun.
What? I thought.
Did she see me with him yesterday? But… how?
Overall enjoyment – 2/5
I’ll apologize if I really sound harsh here. I do see a lot of areas that needed improvements I’m pointing them out so that you may know where your problems lie. Do make sure to reflect back on the story’s past events to make your plot more realistic and believable to readers. I’m sure that if you adjust your writing style and correct your grammatical errors, this story will improve by leaps and bounds!
I hope that this (over-lengthy) review can assist your writings in some ways or another. But don’t get stress over this review. After all, it consists only of my two-cent worth of opinions and they do not represent everyone else’s. So cheers! ^^
TOTAL – 54/100
Tuesday, May 24, 2011 @ 7:12 AM
♥ REVIEW - Love Through Music
Title – 3.5/5
I do see the link between the title and the plot. But this is a rather common title and isn’t necessarily attention-grabbing to most readers.
Graphics/Poster – 3/5
Though the poster was done up rather nicely, I was confused by the choice of pictures used. This story is from Hebe’s POV, so I was wondering (initially) why GuiGui is in the poster. It didn’t help that I couldn’t see Aaron’s face clearly either. It became hard to decide who the main female character in the story is. The focus of the story became blurred. This isn’t a good start, especially since I haven’t even read the story yet.
A suggestion here would be to place Hebe as the central character in the poster, with Aaron and GuiGui as background characters. That way, it will be easier for readers to figure out that Hebe is the main character in the story and the story probably relates to Aaron and GuiGui in one way or another.
Foreword – 7.5/10
Nice, detailed foreword! The foreword presented a big question in Hebe’s mind. Her determination in wanting to solve this question creates suspense for the oncoming plot. It sounded almost like a detective plot to me! Great job on that! ^^ Originality – 7/10
The plot wasn’t something that stands out as really creative or surprising to me. But I do enjoy how you laid out the plot by telling a story to tell the real story within. That’s definitely a creative twist and I do have to give you credits for that! ^^ Flow – 10/15
The start of the story went well and the pace was fairly even. I like how you tried to establish a romantic link between Hebe and Aaron by creating and describing their interactions. What I didn’t really like was the turn of events that ended the story abruptly. I’m sure more can be done on the ending to make this story spectacular. There’s defiantly room for improvement on this aspect! :)
Plot/Characterization – 12.5/20
Though I was initially confused by the poster, I was able to get the gist of the story as I read. I like that the plot is direct, simple and easy to understand. I can see that you made efforts to describe this story with details. But there are still a few missing details and this made some parts of the story seemed strange.
E.g.: You mentioned that the couches seemed burnt but the piano remained perfectly fine even though it was placed in the center of a burning warehouse.
E.g.: Was the fire that broke out at school purely an accident or was it made by Aaron? If he was the culprit, was he trying to suicide? If yes, why did he choose to die in school and not in the warehouse instead?
See where I’m going here? This story will develop a plot that is more solid if you reflect back on the sequences of events when you write.
The story twist was good, good, good! But you should try to reveal the surprise bit by bit instead. Doing so will allow readers to feel the buildup of suspense of this entire mystery and upped this story by a notch :)
Characters-wise, I do have to say that your main female character, Hebe, seemed different from the rest. While other writers try to make their female leads as likeable as possible, you went ahead to create a character that wasn’t afraid of being labeled as bitchy. While it’s a different approach, I have to admit that I found Hebe’s characterization to be slightly dislikeable and I couldn’t align well with her. This lack of character alignment prevents me from being absorbed into the plot and enjoy the story better.
Writing style – 15/20
I liked how you focused on only on three characters so I’m able to understand each character fairly quickly. This one-shot started out well and it’s easy to get the main gist of the plot. A few sentences sounded awkward but it isn’t a serious problem as they didn’t affect my understanding of the story. Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 7/10
I have to say that I’m not strict about grammar as long as the sentences make sense. For your story, most sentences do make sense to me. So I’m pretty much fine with your writing. But I do have to point out that quite a few sentences sound awkward and you have the tendency to overuse commas.
E.g.: "Err, it's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Any idea on how to get it un-sticky?" asked Arron, with a small chuckle.
"Err, it's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Any idea on how to get it un-sticky?" Aaron asked with a small chuckle
E.g. :"I shouldn't be here," said Arron, quickly, without opening his eyes.
“I shouldn't be here," Aaron said quickly without opening his eyes.
E.g.: That, I was happy about but even after a month, he wasn't my boyfriend.
I was happy about that. But even after a month had passed, he still wasn't my boyfriend.
Do take note of your spelling/typo errors as well.
E.g.: “Come on it," he said.
“Come on." He said.
E.g.: "Well, know you know where I'll always go," said Aaron, with a blank expression.
"Well, now you know where I'll always go," Aaron said with a blank expression on his face.
Overall enjoyment – 3/5
“A nice afternoon read” pretty much sums up my feelings as I read this fanfic. I’m sure that your story will please any Aarron/Hebe/GuiGui fans out there! Cheers ^^
TOTAL – 68.5/100
Tuesday, April 26, 2011 @ 7:01 AM
♥ REVIEW - I'll stay BEHIND the camera, Thanks.
Title – 4/5
An interesting title! I like how it’s clear and relevant to the main female character (since she’s a photographer).
Graphics/Poster – 4/5
A very neat, simple yet attractive looking poster! Using the picture of a female photographer has fit very well in portraying the female lead’s image to me. By not revealing her clearly, it also allows me to imagine her features to my own preferences. It’s definitely a clever use of a picture! Foreword – 7/10
I liked how the foreword started with a matter-of-fact tone to describe the female character. It makes everything seems more real to me. Nothing much is revealed in the foreword and this is fine for me since I prefer to have some suspense about the story before reading the actual thing.
Originality – 8.5/10
A romance between an idol and his photographer? That definitely did raise some interest from me! I always feel that photographers and idols share some sort of intimate relationships that are just waiting to be written.... (Or is it just me?) And you finally did it!
But that being said, minus their roles, it’s just another fan-fiction type of romance, boy meets girl, they fall in love etc. Yet you managed to keep me intrigued with bits of Cora’s mysterious past planted here and there in the story. It kept up a certain level of suspense in the story with this unexplained plot. Good job on that! ^^
Flow – 11/15
I enjoyed the fairly quick pace of the plot for the first few chapters. But everything seems to rush in somewhere after Chapter 6. To tell you the truth, I didn’t realize how rapid the pace was till the end of the story. It was only until I started recalling the plot do I realize – Holy crap, the events were only a week’s long?!
So personally speaking, I found the pace of the romance between Rain and Cora to be more of a “vacation-romance-fling” type. And again, this is just my personal opinion and is not reflective of the general readers’. ^^b
Plot/Characterization – 13.5/20
Here’s the part which I will probably be (or attempt to be) most critical about. At first glance, I found no major problems with the plot. The general plot is simple enough – Cora and Rain falls in love. It’s more about the sub-plots that I seem to have problems with. You created short scenes where Cora met guys (out of the blue) and interacted with them briefly, before making these guys disappeared as if they had never existed in the first place. While these scenes do add to the content, I don’t quite get the purpose of creating these extra characters in the first place. To me, the guys seem like those “Hi, Bye” type of characters that have probably added nothing substantial to the plot other than filling Rain, with jealousy that only lasted for three-four sentences.
The same case seems to go for Tessa. You have created a substantial sub plot revolving around Tessa. There was even a chapter explaining Cora’s search for her. But you ended the story without filling this sub plot properly. It was simply left hanging there, leaving me to wonder about Tessa and a bit bothered by the fact that the whole Tessa-thing seems like a wild-goose-chase. But I do know you are currently addressing this issue in your sequel now ^^
Lastly, onto the characters! I have to admit that Cora appears as a likeable, sensible type of character to me at first glance. I changed my opinion after her drastic tantrum at Chapter 9. It was such a 180 degree change of character that I was wondering if it’s still the same Cora I was reading. What’s more incredible was that Rain acted perfectly like a Prince Charming despite her tantrums/actions. This suddenly makes me feel like he’s Edward Cullen (from Twilight) with his boundless patience. No prize for guessing who resembles Bella to me! *Chuckles*
(I do know you have tried to address this issue but Cora still seem out-of-character at some points. But this is just my two-cents worth of thought >.<)
Writing style – 17.5/20
Great writing style! Everything became so readable because of it. You conveyed the plot well with simple and easy sentences. In addition, your writing style has masked the flaws in your story plot. In fact, I have to say that one of the main reasons why this fan-fiction is so enjoyable is due to great English! Good job on that! ^^
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 10/10
I want want want want to say Perfect English! I really can’t bring myself to nit-pit at the minor errors (because they are too minor). In fact, I gave up trying to find errors. So I’m going to say that your English scores a Perfect 10!!! Overall enjoyment – 3.5/5
It seems like a long story with its 26 chapters. But your perfect English has make reading such a breeze. I actually finished reading the entire fan-fiction at one go! That’s truly a feat since I do tend to take breaks once in a while. Despite some plot holes here and there, I still enjoy this sweet and simple romance between Rain and Cora. Cheers! ^^
(Lastly I do want to apologize for this late review. I have been swamped with work. It seems like a pathetic excuse but I do hope you understand! Thanks again for the review request!)
TOTAL – 79/100
Thursday, March 31, 2011 @ 7:41 AM
♥ REVIEW - Remember Me
Title – Remember Me (Chapter 1-14) Author – katastrophick Reviewer – sadnitez Story Link – http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/15524/remember-me-beast-korean-you
Title – 3/5 The title is clear, simple and relevant to the story. But it’s a pretty common title everywhere, so it didn’t strike as eye-catching to me.
Graphics/Poster – 2/5 The poster is a bit too simple for my liking. And since the poster seemed to focus on a love triangle between Doojoon, Junhyung and Gi, perhaps it will be better to place Doojoon’s face in the poster. That way, it gives rooms for suspense and speculations about Gi’s final choice between both characters. On another note, (I‘m not trying to be racist here) I found Western girl to be a slightly strange choice as the poster model of your story’s main female lead. I was expecting Asian girls to be exact, since this is a love story with Asian idols and you didn’t state the origins of Gi. So it’s a bit of a paradox to me. But then again, it’s my one person point of view and is not representative of the whole audience. Sorry if it offends you and anyone in any ways.
Foreword – 9/10 Great foreword! It’s like a prologue, showing a very brief portion of the story with details. The foreword’s content subtly explained the relevance of the story title. This foreword has certainly perked my interest in this story! I found your foreword as a great start to the story! ^^
Originality – 7/10 Main female lead forgets the main male lead – It’s actually quite a common plot around. Love a triangle that involves the leads and their close friends – it’s also another common plot seen around. But having a common plot isn’t necessarily a bad thing because it shows that the plot makes enough sense for writers to keep using them over and over again. In your case, your plot, though unoriginal, is very realistic and believable to me. And that’s more than enough for me to give thumbs up! :D
Flow – 12.5/15 A few readers might find the story’s flow to be a tad slow. But I actually enjoyed the slow pace of your plot. I like how you took the time to develop the thoughts and emotions of the characters instead of diving them into a crazy, mad love rush like some desperados! xD
Plot/Characterization – 17/20 You have a very solid plot going on there! I can’t disagree with any portion of the plot in every chapter because I find everything absolutely believable. Plot wise, I haven’t seen any crescendo that would make this story exciting. If I have to say, it’s like a smooth flowing river – mundane and ordinary. But I understand that in a realistic plot, it would be ridiculous if events kept popping up in the characters’ lives on a daily basis. However do take note that you have to keep a certain suspense and mystery running to maintain readers’ interests in the story. Characters wise, I’m fairly surprised (in a pleasant way) by how real Doojoon’s and Junhyung’s characterizations seemed to me. I’m pointing this out because female writers (e.g. – me) usually portray guys in very un-guyish manners (this may be because of their feminine perspective of guys). However in your story, their actions, speeches and thoughts make me feel as if they are real life guys. So I’m concluding that you are either a girl who is very sensitive to guys’ actions and thoughts or you are a male writer! *Cough* I seem to be diverging from the review…
Writing style – 17.5/20 Perfect English makes reading (this story) such a breeze. Using different writing styles to indicate different POVs has also prevented me from getting confused when there are multiples POV in each chapter. I enjoyed your writing style. But there seem to be a tendency for you to overly describe certain actions/scenes and I found them to be slightly unnecessary.
E.g. – Chapter 1 paragraph 1 – Instead of going into details of how she got out of the car, you can scrape all the descriptions and just briefly state that she got out of the car.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 9.5/10 If I am just an ordinary reader in AFF, I would have given you a perfect score. But being a reviewer means that I have to leave no stone unturned, so I did spot a few (very, very minor) tense problems. Note that when you do flashbacks (in italics font), sentences should be in past tense. Other than that, it’s simply perfect English! I’m almost hating myself for taking 0.5 score off this section!
Overall Enjoyment – 3.5/5 This is definitely a great read! Though I’m not familiar with Beast, (I had to Google the members’ profile to find out who’s who) I still found myself enjoying this fan fiction. You wrote in such a way that it was easy for me to imagine the story like it was some kind of an American drama (maybe O.C?). So I’m sure that Beast fans will certainly enjoy this story as well! Cheers! ^^
TOTAL – 81/100
Monday, March 7, 2011 @ 9:29 AM
♥ REVIEW - Bittersweet Days
Title – Bittersweet Days (Chapter 1-7) Author – Red-Panda-Chan Reviewer – sadnitez Story Link – http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/17107/bittersweet-days-snsdTitle – 3/5
The title isn’t those romance cliché title types, but it doesn’t really stand out among the sea of titles. “Bittersweet Days” does hint a certain level of maturity in the story and may attract people looking for such genres to read. But sadly, it didn’t seem to be the case here (as I read on).
Graphics/Poster – 3.5/5
This is generally a sweet, simple and poster that is pleasant to the eyes! But the yellow background seems too large against the center design, giving a rather plain and blank look at the corners. I would suggest reducing the yellow background size to reduce this blank-ing effect. Bonus for having a quote on the poster that matches very well with the title!
Foreword – 4/10
Foreword and description should always throw in sneak preview of the story’s plot. They should NEVER throw everything out into the open light. This is done to create suspense and interests for readers! Your foreword (in purple sentence) though too brief, still created certain suspense for your story. However, everything was blown off by your description which practically told the readers the spoilers of the entire story. I do hope you will make some adjustment to your foreword and description again. (>.<)
Originality – 6.5/10
The plot and setting is rather common but never failed to bring in readers because everyone can relate to school life! On the downside, there are too many stories in AFF that set around school and campus romance. So I can say that the more interesting point of your story lies in Jessica’s secretive dark past that Tiffany seemed to play a large part in it as well. I hoped you can develop more on it to intrigue readers to read a plot that hasn’t been quite figured out yet.
Flow – 9/15
Pacing of the story went too fast for my liking. The relationships of both main female characters seem to appear out of nowhere and end out of nowhere. Drastic shifts between each side plots are also preventing me from getting firm foothold on any plot to let me to enjoy the story better. Perhaps you can focus on the more important plots in the story. Take your time to develop them into more complex plot! ^^
Writing style – 12.5/20
You introduced a lot of characters and relationships in this story which enable the main story to branch out to several other stories. It’s good to read side plot that focused on other characters’ rather than the main leads. But each plot seems under-developed and brief to me. Somewhere at the middle, I was getting confused by the numerous plots and relations being thrown in. Frequent sentence errors aided to the confusion as well. But overall, I still get the gist of your writing style and the story’s content.
Plot/Characterization – 13/20
Plot-wised, there seems to be too many things going on all at all without a strong development for everything. I’m suggesting perhaps you can rewrite some scenarios again to increase the credibility of this story. I find it weird that each character seems to handle relationships like a baton in a race. (E.g.: How Tiffany suddenly decides to break off with her fiancée Jaejoong to be with Ji-Young instead). I also find it especially weird why Tiffany wasn’t in jail for killing someone and why Changmin seems to take this truth with a pinch of salt. I know stories are fiction and all, but you still have to write it in a way that readers will find the content acceptable.
I am impressed by your efforts to introduce so many characters into your story; I know you have put in a lot of effort in trying to describe each character. But a lot of authors tried to avoid doing that for good reasons. Readers will get confused by the sheer size of the cast and may not remember them well enough for them to understand the story properly. Though you tried to solve the problem by introducing a character chart, I was feeling a bit frazzled trying to remembering all the pairings in the story and I couldn’t really identify the main male lead till Chapter five because Jessica had meet too many guys! ^^b
I appreciate how you try to give each character very different personalities. But there seem to be a lack of development of each character, so they appeared really two-dimensional to me. Maybe you can rephrase some of the characters’ lines to prevent them from attaining cliché and shallow images in the minds of the readers.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 5.5/10
There are frankly, quite a lot of errors in the writing. The most problematic area lies in your usage of commas. Authors often over-used commas in their sentences. However you under-used the commas (and full-stops) and this led to long awkward sentence structures.
E.g.: One of the boys took a drink from his water and when he wiped his face with his arm his eyes caught with mine.
One of the boys took a drink from his water and when he wiped his face with his arm, his eyes caught mine.
E.g.: I came across my classroom and walked in to find a student sitting in my seat his feet on the desk and his head slung back, mouth wide open, snoring.
I came across my classroom and walked in to find a student sitting in my seat. His feet were on the desk and his head was slung back, his mouth was wide open as he snored.
Do take note of your verbs and adverbs as well.
E.g.: “What did you just say?” I blurted out and he looked at me confused.
“What did you just say?” I blurted out and he looked at me in confusion.
E.g.: “Yah!” I yelled picking up the closest thing to me and throwing it across into their window.
“Yah!” I yelled, picking up the closest thing beside me and threw it through their window.
Overall enjoyment – 2.5/5
I apologized if I sounded really harsh on you. This story really started out well. I can definitely see an interesting plot forming around your story. But lapses in your English standard appeared in subsequent chapter, making an-other-wise-good-story fall into muddled plots. I’m sure that the story will fall into place once most of the sentences and tense errors are corrected. Fighting! ^^
TOTAL – 59.5/100
Wednesday, February 23, 2011 @ 1:38 AM
♥ REVIEW - How To Throw a Punch
Title – How To Throw a Punch (Chapter 1-13) Author – fourevermuzik Reviewer – sadnitez Story Link – http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/18159/how-to-throw-a-punch-jonghyun-key-shinee-snsd-you
Title – 3.5/5
I like the title for being different from usual-mushy titles and it definitely stands out from other romance titles. At first, I was having trouble finding the relevance of the title (to the story) because there were no linkages found from the description and the foreword provided. By chapter two, I felt that a title “How to Catch a Punch” would be more appropriate for your story. But after reading subsequent chapters, I began to see where your title was coming from. So I had no troubles with your title! ^^ Graphics/Poster – 4/5
The poster was neat, simple and easy on the eyes. However the title seemed faded in the background because of the font type and font colour used. I personally feel that having a good title display on a poster is important because the poster acts as a story’s cover and what attracts readers to your story would be the title. The boxed-up display of the three main characters was creative – It highlights that they are the main characters of the story without making the poster looked messy. I especially liked white-coloured small speeches because they reveal insights of each main character’s personalities. Nice one!
A pity though, was the choice of character displays on the poster. I find SNSD’s poster appearance to be slightly un-necessary since only Seo-Hyun, Soo-Young, Jessica and Taeyeon (blinked and you missed her) appeared in the story. And although Ae-cha seems to be one of the major characters in the story (so far), I found it strange that she wasn’t on the poster. But that’s just my nit-pickings.
Overall, I really like the poster’s design. Good job on that!
Foreword – 9/10
What an interesting way to write the description/foreword! It has definitely attracted my attention to click “Next” button to read your story!
But do take note of your writing style’s consistency in the foreword. Its’ slightly strange to write in a “You” style and switched to “I” style in the next sentence.
E.g.: Invincible:
That's the one word a select number of students were known for. I was at the top of the list.
Originality – 7.5/10
Queenka meets Kingka and falls in love. You also threw in Jonghyun and Ae-Cha to spice up this love story and added the richness of the story’s plot. I like how ‘very-Korean drama’ feel this story has! ^^
Nothing has really thrown me off in the story so far. On one hand, this makes me comfortable about the story because what I expect will turn up in later chapters. On the other hand, I wasn’t too surprised by the case of mistaken identities or the eventual switch of partners in later chapters. Maybe that has to do with the build up of hints in earlier chapters that foretell how later chapters will go.
Flow – 13.5/15
The story was well-paced. I actually like how you cut short the details of Hye-Min’s and Key’s trial relationship so that I can read the main, actual plot of the story. This reduced the other-wise redundant length and details. The story flow much better as a result and this makes it a great read for readers! ^^
Plot/Characterization – 17/20
The plot is realistic, believable and easy to follow. Though you fast-forwarded details of Hye Min’s and Key’s trial relationship period, you managed to maintain romance in the air by focusing on certain events that happened between them. (E.g.: Their 3rd month anniversary celebrations. What Key did was just Awww...!)
Portrayal of Key is believable because you portrayed him with a fashion diva’s characteristics. On the bad side, this display of Key was conventional and lacked originality. But I’m not fussy over these sorts of stuffs as long as the created personality is realistic enough. ;)
For Hye Min, her personality was more complex than I thought. I was initially apprehensive that you may create a Mary-Sue (a too-perfect fictional heroine) out of her. But reading on, I was impressed with knowing that underneath her perfect demeanour, she has normal humane fears as well. I admired her unattainable-perfection yet at the same time, I was able to relate to her fears as well.
Jonghyun was unbelievably cute and sweet. I couldn’t find any reasons to hate him for snatching Hye Min away and deep down; I was even starting to support him. I felt the same way towards the pure-natured Ae-Cha even though she seemed to be the cause of trouble at the moment.
Likeable characters and likeable antagonists, I can’t seem to dislike anyone in this story.
Gosh!
Another point I would like to raise is the time-line of the story events. If you read it through again, Key was hospitalized on the same day when Hye-Min visited him. Jonghyun and Hye-Min found out about it early next morning and rushed to the hospital to visit him.
Strictly speaking, it has only been a day since Hye-Min and Key were apart from each other. So technically, it was wrong when Jonghyun stated:
“Key has always been the type to switch girls easily, and I'm okay with that. But what I wasn't okay with was when he left you hanging for 3 days and then dumped you for no reason. And a perfect girl like you? A normal guy can't get any stupider "
Hopefully I didn’t get this time-line thing wrong (^_^)b. If I do, I apologize in advance for trying to correct you.
Writing style – 17.5/20
Your writing style is simple and easy to understand because of your good English! I like the underlying ‘light sarcasm’ tone that seem to add humour to the story. However you have to take note of some parts that seemed to lack enough descriptions to explain certain situations.
E.g.: The reason why Ae-Cha registered herself as Key’s girlfriend in the hospital. (Chapter 8)
If I didn’t read that portion clearly, I thought Ae-Cha was playing downright dirty at that specific moment. It was after thinking through that I realised she was probably registering as Key’s girlfriend because only family are allowed in the visiting room? Perhaps you can try to explain that to prevent readers from judging Ae-Cha’s character rashly.
E.g.: The Bandz (Chapter 7)
I didn’t know what Bandz was since they didn’t sell it at my place. (Or perhaps I’m too ignorant of my life >.<). So I was slightly confused at the confession part. The problem was solved when I googled Bandz. What I’m stating is that you may have to take note of readers being clueless about certain things that may seem common in other continents. (In this case – Bandz!) This may leave them guessing while reading certain story parts.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 8.5/10
I have to scrutinize the entire story to find errors in your sentences. This just shows that your level of English is commendable!
Be careful of typos that appeared, though rarely, in the story. They may unintentionally create amusing sentences to readers! ^^b
E.g.: "Yeah. We're here to see Kim Kibum," I responded, seeing that Jonghyun was too out of bread to mutter a coherent sentence. (Chapter 8)
"Yeah. We're here to see Kim Kibum," I responded, seeing that Jonghyun was too out of breath to mutter a coherent sentence.
I found no problems about your usage of commas in your sentences to set pauses and tones. But you have a tendency to over-use them in a few sentences.
E.g: I had to admit it, though, Kibum was amusing, and different from all the other guys.
I had to admit it though; Kibum was amusing and different from all the other guys.
Other than these minor errors, I couldn’t point out any major problems with your grammar. Tense-wised, you have been quite consistent in sticking to past-tense though there were few lapses here and there. Nothing to worry about though, all authors commit the same mistakes. Overall, you have make reading enjoyable with good and simple English!
Overall enjoyment - 4/5
Great story plot, great writing styles and good English = A great read.
I don’t find it a must for a plot to be original. What kind of plot can remain truly original nowadays anyway? As long as I find myself enjoying what I read, it’s a good story!
Cheers! ^^
TOTAL – 84.5/100
Friday, February 18, 2011 @ 8:33 PM
♥ REVIEW - Spotlight Kiss
Title - Spotlight Kiss (Chapter 1-25) Author - Flying Reviewer - sadnitez Story Link - http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/19633/spotlight-kiss-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-romance-shinee-taemin
Title – 4/5
The title was eye-catching with the idea of a Spotlight. It suggests possible character development for the long-forgotten female lead as she plunged under a Spotlight’s attention. This piques my curiosity because I became interested to see her potential development/growth. The title also conjured a romantic imagery of a Spotlight Kiss and this increased the story’s attractiveness to me! Lastly, I find that the title also goes well with the foreword provided and is relevant to the story’s content. This is a sweet title that complements well with the dreamy story content! Poster – 4/5
The poster is sweet, nice and dreamy. The pictures of the girls are sweet looking and Minho looks exceptionally cute as well! What slightly confuse me are the multiple pictures of girls on the poster. Are the pictures portraying the same girl or different girls? (I’m sorry about this. I couldn’t tell for sure whether the girls have the picture belong to a same face or different faces) ^^b If the pictures are used to portray different female characters, who is who and who is the main lead? No worries though, this minor problem is usually solved by adding the names of the characters in the poster ^^ Foreword – 8.5/10
The foreword is clear and easy to understand. Extra credit for taking the time to adjust font sizes and colours to increase the display’s attractiveness! You might try to describe a bit more about the step-sisters though. They do appear quite consistently throughout the story so it might be better to introduce them more descriptively in the foreword. This way, readers can understand more about their different characteristics when the story progressed further on. This is especially so since the portrayal of the step-sister(s) will likely differ from readers’ assumption of typical step-sisters. Originality – 7.5/10
I like how the story is somewhat inspired/based on the storyline of Cinderella. This gives the story a slight Disney-dreamy touch! I can however, tell the general outline simply because well, it’s Cinderella! So I’ll be expecting step-sister as love rivals, Cindy receiving fairy godmother’s help etc. But that’s not to say the story is unoriginal. You have created twists and turns here and there that I can’t really tell how the story will be carried at some points. This is naturally a good thing because unexpected drive readers to read! Flow – 13.5/15
Each chapter is short, simple and easy to read. A few chapters were too short for my liking, but overall, the pace of the story is fine. I like how you seem to take your time to develop each character by providing a specific chapter/section to concentrate on their POV. This may slow down the pace of the story at certain points. But you solve the problem by throwing a twist at the end of a chapter to arouse reader’s interest again. Good job on that! ^^ Plot/Characterization – 16.5/20
Though a Cinderella-themed story may be cliché, you manage to throw in your own touch by altering how each character act and feel. Minho seems like a typical prince at face-front, but his characteristics proved otherwise. Cindy is portrayed as a damsel in distress, but her determination to become happy (in subsequent chapters), makes her into a character that readers wish to support. Hee-Jin and Hee-Lin are the twins yet each has her own unique characteristics. Depictions of each character are quite realistic, especially when you attempt to differentiate them from the conventional portrayals of Cinderella’s step-mother and step-sisters. Thumbs up on this different approach! Clever manipulations of the plot have also prevented me from judging the characters rashly. I can’t bring myself to confidently state that the step-sisters and step-mother are hateable/dislikeable/evil since they have been trying to be nice to Cindy (so far). So even if they do something bad in later chapters, I may be able to emphasize or justify the reasons behind their actions. But then again, I can’t say anything for sure with the current chapters. However I will be curious to see how the subsequent plot will intensify conflicts between the characters! Writing – 15/20
Your writing style is simple and easy to read. I can see that you attempted different writing tones for each character’s perspectives. E.g.: The tone of Cindy’s perspective tends to be more formal and serious while the tone of Hee-Jin’s perspective tends to be more casual.I find this to be a good method to use because this enabled me to grasp a better understanding of each character’s personalities through their own words/thoughts/perspectives ^^ However, I find myself a bit bothered by alternating POV styles in the chapters. At the start, you may describe Cindy from a 3rd POV. But in between, you alternate to Cindy’s 1st POV. E.g.: Chapter 13 content – If the entire chapter is about Cindy’s perspective, I suggest that you keep to one type of POV instead of using different POV style. This way, the story format will become more consistent and this will be less confusing to the readers and make the story flow better ^^ Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 7/10
The start of the story went well. I do enjoy the writing style of 3rd-point of view. However whenever you change to 1st-point of view (E.g.: Hee-Jin, Minho etc), you switched to present tense. It seemed a bit inconsistent against the past tensed you used in 3rd-point of view. There are some vocabulary errors here and there that are rather...eye-catching and amusing. =X E.g.: Replaced by the sound of cockroaches and birds, and leaves being pushed by the wind. (Chapter 6)
Replaced by the sound of crickets, birds and wind-blown leaves.E.g: A pair of feet was going through her closet.
A pair of hands was going through her closet.
Do take note of your typing errors and some minor mistakes that appeared occasionally in each chapter. E.g.: she cried at everything there was to cry at.
She cried at everything there was to cry at.Quite a few sentences structures are awkward as well. But I find them okay as long as they are understandable. ^^ However if you revise the sentence structures, I’m sure that your story will flow better to the readers’ eyes!
Overall enjoyment – 3.5/5
I have to say...the story’s content and pace were so readable that I managed to read the entire (on-going) story within one shot! I do like the idea of a Cinderella-themed story with a twist and I’m sure many girls out there share this similar thought as me. While reading on, I can’t help myself from wanting to support the poor Cindy who is trying her best to become happy. By forming an attachment with the main lead, it makes reading all the more enjoyable to me!
Awkward sentence structures, grammar mistakes, spelling errors and inconsistent tenses appeared quite frequently in each chapter. I’m not harsh on such stuffs. But like I said earlier, if these errors are addressed, I’m sure the story will be more pleasurable to the readers!
Nice story! Just make sure to take care of your grammar and vocab! ^^
TOTAL – 79.5/100
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