Title – Love Through Music (2 Chapters - Completed)
Author – Amber
Reviewer – sadnitez
Story Link – http://winglin.net/fanfic/Amber02
Author – Amber
Reviewer – sadnitez
Story Link – http://winglin.net/fanfic/Amber02
Title – 3.5/5
I do see the link between the title and the plot. But this is a rather common title and isn’t necessarily attention-grabbing to most readers.
Graphics/Poster – 3/5
Though the poster was done up rather nicely, I was confused by the choice of pictures used. This story is from Hebe’s POV, so I was wondering (initially) why GuiGui is in the poster. It didn’t help that I couldn’t see Aaron’s face clearly either. It became hard to decide who the main female character in the story is. The focus of the story became blurred. This isn’t a good start, especially since I haven’t even read the story yet.
A suggestion here would be to place Hebe as the central character in the poster, with Aaron and GuiGui as background characters. That way, it will be easier for readers to figure out that Hebe is the main character in the story and the story probably relates to Aaron and GuiGui in one way or another.
Foreword – 7.5/10
Nice, detailed foreword! The foreword presented a big question in Hebe’s mind. Her determination in wanting to solve this question creates suspense for the oncoming plot. It sounded almost like a detective plot to me! Great job on that! ^^
Though the poster was done up rather nicely, I was confused by the choice of pictures used. This story is from Hebe’s POV, so I was wondering (initially) why GuiGui is in the poster. It didn’t help that I couldn’t see Aaron’s face clearly either. It became hard to decide who the main female character in the story is. The focus of the story became blurred. This isn’t a good start, especially since I haven’t even read the story yet.
A suggestion here would be to place Hebe as the central character in the poster, with Aaron and GuiGui as background characters. That way, it will be easier for readers to figure out that Hebe is the main character in the story and the story probably relates to Aaron and GuiGui in one way or another.
Foreword – 7.5/10
Nice, detailed foreword! The foreword presented a big question in Hebe’s mind. Her determination in wanting to solve this question creates suspense for the oncoming plot. It sounded almost like a detective plot to me! Great job on that! ^^
Originality – 7/10
The plot wasn’t something that stands out as really creative or surprising to me. But I do enjoy how you laid out the plot by telling a story to tell the real story within. That’s definitely a creative twist and I do have to give you credits for that! ^^
The plot wasn’t something that stands out as really creative or surprising to me. But I do enjoy how you laid out the plot by telling a story to tell the real story within. That’s definitely a creative twist and I do have to give you credits for that! ^^
Flow – 10/15
The start of the story went well and the pace was fairly even. I like how you tried to establish a romantic link between Hebe and Aaron by creating and describing their interactions. What I didn’t really like was the turn of events that ended the story abruptly. I’m sure more can be done on the ending to make this story spectacular. There’s defiantly room for improvement on this aspect! :)
The start of the story went well and the pace was fairly even. I like how you tried to establish a romantic link between Hebe and Aaron by creating and describing their interactions. What I didn’t really like was the turn of events that ended the story abruptly. I’m sure more can be done on the ending to make this story spectacular. There’s defiantly room for improvement on this aspect! :)
Plot/Characterization – 12.5/20
Though I was initially confused by the poster, I was able to get the gist of the story as I read. I like that the plot is direct, simple and easy to understand. I can see that you made efforts to describe this story with details. But there are still a few missing details and this made some parts of the story seemed strange.
E.g.: You mentioned that the couches seemed burnt but the piano remained perfectly fine even though it was placed in the center of a burning warehouse.
E.g.: Was the fire that broke out at school purely an accident or was it made by Aaron? If he was the culprit, was he trying to suicide? If yes, why did he choose to die in school and not in the warehouse instead?
See where I’m going here? This story will develop a plot that is more solid if you reflect back on the sequences of events when you write.
The story twist was good, good, good! But you should try to reveal the surprise bit by bit instead. Doing so will allow readers to feel the buildup of suspense of this entire mystery and upped this story by a notch :)
Characters-wise, I do have to say that your main female character, Hebe, seemed different from the rest. While other writers try to make their female leads as likeable as possible, you went ahead to create a character that wasn’t afraid of being labeled as bitchy. While it’s a different approach, I have to admit that I found Hebe’s characterization to be slightly dislikeable and I couldn’t align well with her. This lack of character alignment prevents me from being absorbed into the plot and enjoy the story better.
Though I was initially confused by the poster, I was able to get the gist of the story as I read. I like that the plot is direct, simple and easy to understand. I can see that you made efforts to describe this story with details. But there are still a few missing details and this made some parts of the story seemed strange.
E.g.: You mentioned that the couches seemed burnt but the piano remained perfectly fine even though it was placed in the center of a burning warehouse.
E.g.: Was the fire that broke out at school purely an accident or was it made by Aaron? If he was the culprit, was he trying to suicide? If yes, why did he choose to die in school and not in the warehouse instead?
See where I’m going here? This story will develop a plot that is more solid if you reflect back on the sequences of events when you write.
The story twist was good, good, good! But you should try to reveal the surprise bit by bit instead. Doing so will allow readers to feel the buildup of suspense of this entire mystery and upped this story by a notch :)
Characters-wise, I do have to say that your main female character, Hebe, seemed different from the rest. While other writers try to make their female leads as likeable as possible, you went ahead to create a character that wasn’t afraid of being labeled as bitchy. While it’s a different approach, I have to admit that I found Hebe’s characterization to be slightly dislikeable and I couldn’t align well with her. This lack of character alignment prevents me from being absorbed into the plot and enjoy the story better.
Writing style – 15/20
I liked how you focused on only on three characters so I’m able to understand each character fairly quickly. This one-shot started out well and it’s easy to get the main gist of the plot. A few sentences sounded awkward but it isn’t a serious problem as they didn’t affect my understanding of the story.
I liked how you focused on only on three characters so I’m able to understand each character fairly quickly. This one-shot started out well and it’s easy to get the main gist of the plot. A few sentences sounded awkward but it isn’t a serious problem as they didn’t affect my understanding of the story.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary – 7/10
I have to say that I’m not strict about grammar as long as the sentences make sense. For your story, most sentences do make sense to me. So I’m pretty much fine with your writing. But I do have to point out that quite a few sentences sound awkward and you have the tendency to overuse commas.
E.g.: "Err, it's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Any idea on how to get it un-sticky?" asked Arron, with a small chuckle.
"Err, it's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Any idea on how to get it un-sticky?" Aaron asked with a small chuckle
E.g. :"I shouldn't be here," said Arron, quickly, without opening his eyes.
“I shouldn't be here," Aaron said quickly without opening his eyes.
E.g.: That, I was happy about but even after a month, he wasn't my boyfriend.
I was happy about that. But even after a month had passed, he still wasn't my boyfriend.
Do take note of your spelling/typo errors as well.
E.g.: “Come on it," he said.
“Come on." He said.
E.g.: "Well, know you know where I'll always go," said Aaron, with a blank expression.
"Well, now you know where I'll always go," Aaron said with a blank expression on his face.
I have to say that I’m not strict about grammar as long as the sentences make sense. For your story, most sentences do make sense to me. So I’m pretty much fine with your writing. But I do have to point out that quite a few sentences sound awkward and you have the tendency to overuse commas.
E.g.: "Err, it's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Any idea on how to get it un-sticky?" asked Arron, with a small chuckle.
"Err, it's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Any idea on how to get it un-sticky?" Aaron asked with a small chuckle
E.g. :"I shouldn't be here," said Arron, quickly, without opening his eyes.
“I shouldn't be here," Aaron said quickly without opening his eyes.
E.g.: That, I was happy about but even after a month, he wasn't my boyfriend.
I was happy about that. But even after a month had passed, he still wasn't my boyfriend.
Do take note of your spelling/typo errors as well.
E.g.: “Come on it," he said.
“Come on." He said.
E.g.: "Well, know you know where I'll always go," said Aaron, with a blank expression.
"Well, now you know where I'll always go," Aaron said with a blank expression on his face.
Overall enjoyment – 3/5
“A nice afternoon read” pretty much sums up my feelings as I read this fanfic. I’m sure that your story will please any Aarron/Hebe/GuiGui fans out there! Cheers ^^
“A nice afternoon read” pretty much sums up my feelings as I read this fanfic. I’m sure that your story will please any Aarron/Hebe/GuiGui fans out there! Cheers ^^
TOTAL – 68.5/100
